Just feels like a sad day

I just feel sad today. I don't even have a second sentence to add to that. I don't have a reason to be sad.

I have a hole in my life.
Can you see it?
There, in the middle,
Surrounded by all that I know I am
Or think I am
This hole yearns for something
but won't tell me
A voiceless void
Can you hear it?
I fill it with food
with work, with play
with clothes and gadgets
...with memories.
It just laughs a parent-to-child laugh
a that-will-never-work laugh.
and I'm left to move on
to dance to the whistles
as the wind blows through the hole in my life.
Can you hear it?

I always hated free verse. It always seemed like mental constipation. The soul strains and groans to get out a productive thought and all that comes out is free verse. But it'll have to do, cuz I'm sad today. I have no reason to be sad... no reason at all

Let's see how this goes

Opening Credits:(Argue)
Waking Up:(Lots of drops of brandy)
First Day at School:(Perfect Love)
Falling in Love:(I'll be all smiles tonight)
Fight Song:(Motorcycle Driveby)
Breaking up:(Behind Those Eyes)
Prom:(I'm just as good as you want me to be)
Life's Ok:(Sweet Home Alabama)
Mental Breakdown:(Epilogue (through a child's eyes))
Driving:(Last exit 2 eden)
Flashback:(Once there were some snowmen)
Getting Back together:(Hang)
Wedding:(Ye simple souls who stray)
Birth of Child:(Book of Love)
Final Battle:(Shoot the Moon)
Death Scene:(When Joseph Went to Bethlehem)
Funeral song:(Mi Vida Es Cantar)
End Credits:(The Watchmen)

Over all pretty interesting. Though I have a lot of songs I don't know, and more I don't know the names of. Fun though. :)

hey hey

I got the sacrament back!! :D Hooray! Last day of class and I get to take the sacrament again... what a great day!! OH, and then I learned that Donny Osmond's son is in my ward!! Cool eh? Oh, and if you haven't watched the Hitler video -------> you need to, cuz it's funny. :)

New Leaf

So I feel really blessed this week. I don't know why. Maybe because I have been really blessed this week. I was able to get everything done, I had a presentation and a test and half a book to read and many many other things and with everything that I've gone through over the last 3 weeks today I feel pretty good, and I feel like God has literally carried me through and that's a nice feeling. I celebrated with Russ and Elisha today for accomplishing some personal goals. I applied for graduation this week, I don't know how that is going to go, but not as well as I would hope. I need 3 spanish electives and 9 upper division credits, but they're only teaching 2 spanish classes that I need, and a third spanish elective that is community volunteering.. but it'd be 45 hours of volunteering per credit, but I'd only need one if I found another upper division class not related to spanish. So I dunno, I'll have to see how it plays out.
It's amazing to be able to see God watching over me. It makes it so much easier to keep doing the little easier things because I know that He will continue to bless me. And I know I've got a long way to go before I can really say I'm there, but I feel like I've got a good start. And I'm really hesitant because I know that it is only going to get harder as I get closer to getting my temple recommend back, but, bring it on!
Oh, and I bought a shotgun and I want to take it out sometime. I also bought 2 boxes of pigeons and 150 shells, maybe we can get something going around/on thanksgiving. Anyways, good luck to everyone this week. If there is ever anything I can do, let me know.

Thanks everyone

Hey eveyone, just wanted to thank you all for your love and support and calling to check in on me. I'm doing well, much better than a few days ago at least. I wish I could have been out at mom's and dad's for dinner tonight to be able to see you all. As I was hometeaching I was able to share some of the thoughts and encouragement you've all given me this week, so not only do I appreciate it, but they appreciated it as well. I'll prolly write again Thursday as usual, so 'till then, keep your stick on the ice.

Dog days of, umm, October

Well, things are going goodly I suppose. The semester is halfway done and I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've had 2 solid good weeks and that's feeling good. It was fall break this week and I was really nervous with all that free time but I think I was able to get a lot of good stuff done. Russell and I made it fishing today as well, didn't catch anything, but it was nice to get into the fresh air for a while. I've been spacing everything this week though. I missed my therapy appointment and was late for my thursday meeting. Don't know what's wrong, maybe just cuz my brain has shut off for the week, or at least I hope so.
Other than that, gosh, I just don't really have much else to say. It's taken me 45 minutes to get this much. But it sounds like everyone is doing well. It feels kinda like a transition time. Octobers are always really odd: I think every girlfriend I've ever broken up with was in October. Weird huh? I don't know what it is about October that makes people not as interesting. Anyways, that's all for today.

Poesía

Hey, just wanted to share the poem that I had to write for my hispanic poetry class since it is my first spanish poem. It was an imitation of another spanish poem and as far as rhyme and meter go, it reflects the other pretty well. Hmm, maybe I'll even put a translation.

Ajedrez En un juego de mente sin nada inteligente absurdos y despacios deslizo de serpiente ambos, los ojos vacios las manos en la frente Minutos van pasando el juez ya suspirando calma como la nieve... el caballo bufando. por miedo, no se mueve mas queda contemplando. Escena aburrida atención ya vencida el juego no inspira sino saca la vida en esto no hay mentira la audiencia, deprimida. Al gran señor, invoques. el juego, ¡no lo toques, que dejes el tablero las reinas y los roques! en juego verdadero es mejor que te enfoques. ¡Oh juego miserable meta inalcanzable! que tortura la mente si hay bueno, que hable pasa tan lentamente... juego insoportable.

Chess In a game of the mind without any intelligence they're absurd and slow like the slither of a snake both with empty eyes and hands on their foreheads The minutes go by the judge gives a sigh still like fresh snow.. the knight's horse huffs out of fear it stays still and sits there, contemplating it's a boring scene it's hard to pay attention this game doesn't inspire but takes the life out of you there's no joke the audience becomes depressed. Pray to the Lord Don't touch that game leave the board the queens and the rooks! In a real game that's where you should be. Oh you miserable game with an unreachable goal! You torture the mind if there is good in it, let me know it goes by so slowly.. it's an unbearable game.

Congratulations! Have a cigar!

You'll all be glad to know I am now the father of a bouncing baby Kia Spectra! Hooray! I realized one day a couple weeks ago that I had just enough saved up to completely pay off my car, and then I realized that I had 1500 bucks worth of checks in my wallet left over from financial aid, and then I realized that I'll get paid 3 times in October and get a profit sharing check in November so NOW would be a great time to pay it off... so I did! :)

These, unfortunately, constitute the majority of my books for this semester. The two on the left on the top row are the ones I use every day. I've read the smaller yellow one on the top row (250 pages) and the multicolored one right below it (170 pages) already. A lot of them are poetry books, of which I usually only read about 20-30 pages a piece (or I'm supposed to anyways). Not shown are at least 2 other books each over 200 pages that I'll need to read by the end of the semester. And the dictionary? Well, about 10 pages into the first book I stopped looking words up, I was at about 20 per page. So now I only look up words that appear over and over and seem to have a big impact on the meaning. Anyways, there's my stories for the day. Oh, and my therapist was much nicer today, for which I'm very grateful.

30 hours later

Ugh, it's been so long since I've blogged. I've meant to, honest. School has kept me pretty busy. I've now been to class 6 times and I've studied a total of around 30 hours. For those not so good at the math that's 5 hours of studying to prepare for EACH DAY of class! I've read a whole book already and need to start another one this weekend. *sigh* Worse yet, I haven't really learned much at therapy lately, at least nothing I would feel needs to be shared. Just more of the same.
I've really been enjoying the BOM this time through. I really loved Jacob. It really spoke to me this time through. How is everyone else doing with reading? I think I sang hymn 127 yesterday so at 1 per day that's over 4 months in a row. I wish I had exciting news. Oh, I did get to bless the sacrament on Sunday and my home teacher told me afterwards that he got warm fuzzies, he's seriously the best home teacher I've ever had or could ever hope to have. What a great guy. I tried to step my home teaching up a notch and they got rid of all my people and gave me a new companion and a new list *sigh* I was just getting to know those girls. That's all for today I guess. Sorry it was so short and not very inspiring or anything. I wish I had something funny to say too, but I guess that will have to wait till next time. Peace out.

If you never say your name out loud to anyone they can never ever call you by it

Wow, long title! Sorry. Thanks everyone for their participation in the poetry contest, again, it was good fun. I've been working on anxiety this week, and I've sure had a lot of it to work on. This semester started on Tuesday, and I'm NOT looking forward to it at all!! You don't even know! The only plus side is that one of my teachers (actually two since she teaches two of my classes) looks like Regina Spektor. It's uncanny! Everything from how she looks to how she talks and mannerisms when she is thinking. What's even weirder is that my poetry teacher looks like Marlene of the Atkinson family somehow, and he's a guy. He's a hoot, but he scares me.
Anyways, I only go to class Tuesday and Thursday but Tuesdays I go non stop from 9:10 a.m. till 3:20 p.m. and Thursday I go nonstop from 9:10 a.m. till 5 p.m. :( Then it's home by 5:45, eat dinner, leave at seven for my meeting and volleyball, and I just walked in the door about a half hour ago at 11:45. I'm beat. BUT, I think, with the Lord's help, I should be just fine. I guess that's really all that's new with me. So far no progress on the dating front but I'm not really concerned with that right now. It's weird because I don't really feel like my ward is where I'm going to meet my future wife, but I feel like I'm still supposed to be there... so I'm just waiting to see what happens. *shrugs* Wish me luck. I wanted to thank you all for letting me call you these past couple weeks, it has been nice to be able to talk to some of you one on one, I mean, I see you on Sundays sometimes, but we never really get to talk, so thanks :) Also, thanks for the continuing encouragement and support. I've really come a LONG way since April. Honestly, I can see hope again, and that's something I haven't seen for a long time. I'm still not perfect, but I'm learning that I don't need to be because in this life I never will be, but that I need to try. Someone once said that God doesn't give us struggles so we'll fail, He gives us struggles so we'll succeed. I think that is very true. So, my advice would be, keep struggling, keep fighting, and keep putting your faith in the only being that can help. I've learned more about faith and more about how to turn my will over to the Father in the last 2 months than I have the rest of my life. What a great way to learn, He just throws you in the water, and you'll probably be under for a while, but then you'll surface and try to get to the side and even though it feels like you could slip at any time your legs will start to kick and your arms will start to push and though it might take a while to get to the side of the pool you've learned how to control your breathing, how to do the best you can, and how to trust Him. Amazing. How would you learn that otherwise? Peace out.

Who'll start the bidding? Do I hear a nickle?

I got a lot of great poems, and after reading all of them I felt I needed to rewrite mine to catch up. So without any further ado here they are (not in any particular order) and you can vote for them on the right hand side --------> over there

#1
I used to would have never thought
I’d do the things I’ve done,
That life could really be this hard,
And parenting wouldn’t be fun.

But, alas, it’s true, that life has been
A jumble of good and bad
With things I wish I hadn’t done
And more I wish I had.
--------------------------------------------
#2
I used to would have never
Seen the value of my soul
Or hoped for something bigger
Or made happiness my goal.

I've never worked so strongly
Giving all the whole day through
I used to would have never
But I'm glad now that I do.
-------------------------------------------
#3
I used to would have never

should have never, but I do
in a clever way that cuts my spine,

like making angels in the sands of timelessness,

like a surreptitious kiss, once placed
is clasped upon my palm in an embrace

for mending; in its clever way fermenting
like sacramental wine upon my lips.

I used to would have never, should have never, but I do
in a clever way that hides inside
of me and out of you.
----------------------------------------------------------
#4
I used to would have never gone to see a broadway show,
Or read a book I didn't like, or driven quite this slow.
I used to would have never enjoyed lying in the sun
On beaches far away from home; it wouldn't have been fun.
I used to would have never eaten quite so many greens;
But now I see they help your health and keep you trim and lean.
I used to would have never dared to think I'd find a wife
Who cares for me unfailingly, with whom I'd share my life.
-----------------------------------------------------------
#5
I used to would have never stepped outside in broad daylight
Without precision makeup and my hair done up just right
I used to would have never worn a wrinkly, spotted shirt
Nor a pair of jeans with even the slightest bit of dirt.
But, today I think I’m lucky as I stumble through the mall,
If my backside’s fully covered & my hair’s been combed at all.
You’ll find no trace of makeup on my puffy, sleep-starved eyes
And I’m lucky if my shoes are both of equal shape and size.
But, it really doesn’t matter, no one ever looks at me
The precious baby in my stroller is all anyone can see.

Poetry

Well, we have just over one week left to turn in poems. How is everybody's coming? I have received two so far and they are both pretty good. I have yet to hear from any of the girls though. It is kind of a limitting topic for a poem, but remember, the THEME has to be "I used to would have never" that means you don't HAVE to use that line in the poem but you are more than welcome to because it really is poetic. Both of the ones submitted include it in there. Anyways, good luck, email em to me OH and EVERYONE is invited, that includes in-laws so I'm hoping the non-palmer blooded folk will voice too.
This week has been a good week. My knees have been hurting for about 5 or 6 weeks now because of volleyball, but it's a good pain, feel the burn. And, I think I've had fun this week. *shrugs* I dunno. I keep track of my mood and how much sleep I get etc. I actually average 6.9 hours of sleep a night, though most is on the weekends. But for the last 2 weeks I've only had one or two down days. That's a stark improvement. I've also been trying to get to bed before midnight and this week I've also been trying to be off the computer by midnight. We'll see how that goes. When it's late is the only time it's cool enough in here to use the computer it seems like. We have our thermistat set at 85 I think to keep the coils from freezing. It works, but makes it really warm to try to sleep. Luckily it gets cold enough at night to open a window.
Anyways, yes, definitely get your poems submitted by next Friday and it should be good times. Also, I'm planning on going fishing sometime this weekend, probably either up at brighton's silver lake or out at settlement resevoir... if anyone would like to go with me or has a suggestion for a better place they'd like to go, let me know. Peace out.

Don't should on yourself

Here are some pictures I've taken the last few days. The sunset picture was from my apartment window, and the rest were from fishing. Those fish are only about 4 inches long. Anyways, update time again. Things are going well. I had a couple weeks of being frustrated but that seems to have lifted a little. My therapist always says not to should on myself. It's weird and catches me off guard every time she says it. But it makes a lot of sense. You'll notice that usually when you say something with should, it is almost always followed by a 'but', either implicit or explicit. Guy on my mission said that the word 'but' stands for "behold the underlying truth" and when someone says 'but' that you immediately disregard the first half of the sentence. Anyways, I've simplified my study routine by about half, I think this week I'm going to try to move it to a different time, like earlier in the day. I've also been trying to get to bed earlier, see if I can get more sleep and maybe that'll help clear my mind. We also decided that I really like talking with people and making connections with people which is why I chat online so much. I'm slowly trying to switch over to real, live people, but that's difficult and a lot more emotionally risky. For some reason it hurts more when you talk to someone face to face and they don't seem like they want to talk to you at all. Online you can talk to many people at once, and if you don't like em, you say goodbye and ignore em. I dunno. I'm learning. I'm glad to hear everyone is doing well, sounds like we've all been making progress. I gotta be honest with you, I think our family is pretty great.

Hey, check me out!

Greatest Song Ever

I thought I'd let you all in on a song that has changed my life in a very profound way. It's in my videos section. I won't ruin what it is but you should all recognize it. It's one of those songs that I remember from my childhood. I remember it mostly because it made me cry every time I heard it, and after not hearing it for 10 years I heard it again a while back, and it made me cry then too, and, I don't think he'd admit it, but I think I saw dad cry too. I think it made me a compassionate person. I think it taught me at a very young age what the effects of being mean were and what it meant to struggle with something bigger than myself. I feel the same way sometimes, having lost many battles in my life and not knowing how to carry on. Powerful song, that. I've tried to learn how to play it on the guitar, but I know I'd never be able to make it through the whole song so I leave it to that humble man to pour his heart out. I hope it has touched each of your lives, and I hope if it hasn't that it will.

Worth if I don't

Posting time again I'm headed out with all my friends.... (that's the opening line of a Jewel song, modified) Hello all once again. Thought I would write and update things. First I'll be flying to Arizona with Russ on the 23rd. Should be fun, hot, but fun. We got the whole trip to 200 a person. Second, ummm, I guess that's all that's new really. So I failed my homework assignment on finding infinite worth. I fasted for it on Sunday (does saying what you fast for make it not come true?) to learn about/feel infinite worth. I can't say as though I received an answer really. I did come across a couple things that caught my attention. In the July Ensign on page 33 there is a quote by Elder Marvin J. Ashton that says "To be in control of your life, to be a success regardless of your situation as a single, I recommend you come to know your Father in Heaven. Come to love Him. Always remember that He loves you and will give you guidance and support if you will but give Him the chance. Include Him in your decision making. Include Him in your heartaches and heartbreaks. Include Him when you take inventory of your personal worth." and then quotes alma 34:32. I had never really considered that before. I don't know of any quote really that would speak directly to me more than this quote. I dunno, I guess I'm still working on it. I'm glad to see our family interacting so much more now. I'm glad that we've all started sharing more and getting to know each other better. I'm also glad that I'm learning some good strategies for coping with stress and anger and hurt feelings and criticism, by mostly being aware of what I'm feeling and noticing patterns in thoughts as they relate to moods and actions. What a wonderful thing. I can't say I'm happy all the time, but I can say that I've come a long way in the last 3 months. I can't say that I love myself most of the time, but I can say that I'm learning how to do that. Woah, deja vu. I've seen this before... so weird.. everything from the quote to Heather's chocolate chip cookie recipe. Freaky. Anyways, Have a great week everyone.

Worth if I do

So, I received a card on Sunday with "Dating Rules" on it. Rule number 1 "Do not date anyone not qualified to go to the temple." I cannot begin to describe to you how angry and frustrated this made me. My logical brain said "It's worded funny, they don't mean don't date people that don't have recommends. They wouldn't say that." But... my emotional side won. "How dare they discount the work I've been doing? Rule number 1 "don't date Robert because he isn't worthy of happiness."" I hope you're mad too. Luckily I had the sense to go to Mom's and Dad's instead of brewing at home. Thanks again, Mom, for your kind words. Needless to say, we spent some time talking about it today in therapy. She was mad too.
An amazing thing happened. She asked "What would Heavenly Father say about your worth?" It was difficult for me but eventually realized that He would be optimistic. I said He would focus on my successes. He would say that I'm on the right path and to keep going, that I'm almost there. She read that back to me, with my name in it. "Robert, you have had a lot of successes and I am proud of you. You have infinite worth, even when you can't see it. You are on the right path, the path that will lead you back to me, to where you long to be. You are almost there, keep going, Robert. I have faith in you." Does that hit you like it hit me? My homework this week is to figure out how I know I have infinite worth in four different ways: Intellectually, Emotionally, Spiritually and Psychologically. Intellectually is the easy one, the scriptures say it. Christ paid an infinite price for me. Try that on ebay. That has a great psychological impact as well. If he paid that price then I must be worth it. If I am a child of God, then I am worth it. Spiritually is slightly more complicated, but still evident. He blesses me for small successes. Abundantly. He is quick to forgive. Sometimes he guides me by the hand, but I cherish the times when he lets me take a couple steps on my own, even though it's hard, because I know that means He trusts me. And that gives me worth. Emotionally knowing is the hard one. Emotion is the hardest to create and the easiest to destroy. I suppose it only comes from the other three. Once I know my worth then I can begin to feel my worth. Feeling worth is something I haven't done in a long time, a dang long time. But, I'm the closest I've been in the same dang long time to feeling it again, and that's encouraging. Tricky thing, infinite worth. We're worth if we do, and worth if we don't. Oh, and just as an update, remember my post on May 28th? Well, I've made my bed every morning since then. Me, can you imagine?

The Wishing Post

So, I wish I had something fun to talk about. I dunno, just wanted to thank everyone for the fun camping trip. It was fun to see "everyone" playing games with us, but I wish we could have had more involvement. I know it did my heart good to play and laugh. I hope everyone had fun. I sure enjoyed playing with the kids.
I was late for my therapy today. Got lost in my work and lost track of time, but I made it. She's so funny sometimes. She's always so excited about my accomplishments, more excited than me probably. She's like one of those friends that always has something good to say and a hand to lend. We didn't seem to click today, however. I reported about my experiment with "Robert Fun", as she calls it. Yes, the fun I had up at the camp was called "Robert Fun" because it's the type of fun that I like to have. I worry a lot of times with ward activities that they (the other ward members) will want me to have their type of fun, and I won't like their type of fun. So she told me to have Robert Fun and then even if nobody else joins me I'll still have a good time. Sounds like it's worth a try. So I practiced on you all, I hope you don't mind, but it seemed like some of you had fun with me too, so I suppose it was worth it. It has been fun trying to get to the root of my problems and struggles. I'm learning to be able to look back at hard times to the very emotions and thoughts and feelings and images to find my motivations. Fear is a big one, fear of the unknown, even in the smallest sense. But, even with all my faults, I think I like me, at least the me that I remember. I do like to have fun, and I do like being close to people, and getting to know people is worth the hassle. Just hard to remind myself of that.
Anyways, I'm interested to hear how you all are doing, your insights, suggestions, things you've tried that have worked for you.

Good times great oldies.

Must be time to post again I suppose, eh? Well, let's see. I would like to report on the pleasant events that I was able to accomplish this last week. First, I made my bed EVERY day. Yup, that's right! Helped a lot too :) What else? Prayed, talked to old friends, received compliments, participated in a lively activity, played with animals, practiced the guitar, got to bed early 2 nights in a row, attended church, wore something special, laughed, saw a sunset, and read the scriptures. Wow! What a great week! Didn't realize till now how many of those things I've done in the last week. hm.
So I had another session today. We worked on anxiety. It was pretty good. I left the literature out in the car but it was interesting to look back over the last week and pinpoint exactly when and how I was anxious and what the results were and why. One thing I've been learning really well is how to pay attention to my own emotions. It's so easy for me to just go through the motions of life and not realize how I got there. Know what I mean? I'm slowly making progress, and it feels good. I honestly do feel like the Lord has been blessing me these last 5 or 6 weeks, I don't see any other way to explain it. I've learned to have more faith, and use faith and repentance. I heard a GREAT quote on Sunday. It goes something like "Repentance is not giving something up and never doing it again, but a daily effort to turn your life over to the Lord." It hit me really hard at the time that yeah, failure happens, and it's going to happen in one form or another the rest of my life. But the Lord doesn't care about that, He already knows, He has already paid that price, He just wants me to try every day. He wants me to learn before I die. Kinda comforting. Thanks for all of your continued support and love. I'm so excited to go camping with all of you!! What a great time to relax, stare at the fire, sing songs, make smores, fish and sleep. Beautiful thing, camping. I guess that's all I've got to say. I hope by next week I can learn a few more things and meet a few new people. :) Ta.

Finding time for things

Update time. First, thanks to everyone for their responses to my last blog. It's been really touching to me to read them, and re-read them and I certainly feel like a large weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I couldn't ask for a better family. Second, I did meet with my councellor again today. It was a pretty good session. She still amazes me sometimes, at least she fits my personality really well. Today we went over what I've done in the last week to not feel so isolated and alone. And, looking back, I really was quite busy and I'd like to thank you all for your help in that as well, from fishing with Mark and riding in the van with Heather and James and the girls for dinner on Sunday to phone calls and support.
She gave me a lot of homework to do this week as well. She always worries that she is giving me too much to do, but she forgets that boredom isn't a good thing with me sometimes. So, she gave me a list of 88 things called "pleasant events" and I'm supposed to pick a few of them to look for this week. Here are a few that I feel are important: Doing a good job, receiving a compliment, pleasing friends or family, expressing affection, playing with animals, having a good night's sleep (definitely trying this one) taking me time, feeling relaxed, being with a loved one, being noticed as attractive, breathing fresh air, seeing or making good things happen to my family, paying someone a compliment, wearing something special, laughing, participate in a ward activity, listening to beautiful sounds, going on a date, giving a present, writing a letter, taking a picture, watching a sunset. That's a pretty good list of things, and none of them seem very hard at all. Reading through the list I realized that these are all things that seem to sweep the cobwebs out of the mind for a brief time. Another challenge she gave me this week is to record my feelings one day when I come home and I've made the bed before going to work, as opposed to coming home when I haven't made my bed. *shrugs* worth a shot. Again, thanks for all of your love, help and support. I hope we can all be more open and loving toward one another because all of you mentioned that we all struggle. So, pick something from that partial list or something that makes your mind feel a little clearer and I'll see y'all around. Y'all, I really am country.

Hooray for the bees!

Thanks to everyone that came to the game tonight! It was a blast! And that hotdog was everything I dreamed it would be!! Yummm! :) I wish we could have had everyone there (maybe we'd have stayed a little warmer) but good times were had. The kids got to ride the little train that goes around and the bees won by a long shot, but the best part was NO RAIN!! oh, and it was free, besides the food :)

Fun like things

Guess it's time for a new blog. So let's see. I don't have anything really profound today, but I did go to my councelor (how do you spell that anyway??) yesterday and it went pretty well. She's really good. She's very good at watching what and how she says things, and she gives me good encouragement when I've had a good week. She gave me a paper on the "HALT" system though we didn't go over stress triggers like I was hoping. The paper on HALT says "eat on a regular basis (so I guess I'll just have to eat less when I eat on a regular basis) Don't fall into the trap of bursts of energy like caffeine or sweets, because the result is the opposite, aka moody. Don't hide your anger, talking it out not only helps you be not lonely, but helps resolve the issue. Remember in recovery it is important that you think clearly, hunger, anger and tiredness all cloud the mind and you can't make good decisions as easily. If you're tired, go to bed, if you're hungry to the point of distraction, eat something healthy."
I dunno, I know that it has helped me over the last week to stop and think "you know, what emotions am I really having right now that make me want to do _______?" and 29 times out of the 30 times I stopped to think about it, I ended up doing something productive instead of destructive. Can't beat that eh? And I've also come to the conclusion that I shouldn't wait until the temptation comes before I fight it. That's been key too. Same reason you don't shop when you're hungry. Conversely, if I never let myself get too tired, or too hungry, or too angry but fight those things when I first notice them, then it's easier to fight off, for one, and your brain never gets triggered to the "gosh I need a doughnut" phase. (bye jelly doughnuts, gonna have ta let you go)
Oh, and I officially declared a Spanish Major. Thank you, thank you. No really. *bows* And, the even better part is that I've got exactly 8 classes left so I should be done by about this time next year... now just to figure out what to do with it. Peace out.

What a sad sad day. I sat in my room and just cried last night. Terrible. Why did he have to die? Why? We'll miss you Col. Blake! :( And when Radar salutes him as he's getting in the chopper... gets ya right here *points at my chest*. *sigh* And for the really bad news.. turns out Mike, the oldest of my roomies, has purchased a home that he will be closing on the 30th of April, and since when one of us moves we all have to move, looks like we'll all be moving next month. They're going to talk to our landlord and see if we can't just have someone else move in. It's been good here. Mike gets free cable through his company, rent is only 280 and 20 utilities, own room equipped with a new fan I just got at Wallllll-mArt. But that's ok. Oh, and the worst news yet... My fishing license expired!! Rats. But..We're having ward prayer here on Sunday. And our home teacher came over at like 10:30 last night. He's a really cool guy too. But, other than that, since I've been living on soup for the last 2 months, I decided to restring my guitar and get some golf stuff :> well, just tees. Now we just need to hit the links. Robert out

Amalfi Coast

Here is what it's supposed to look like when it's done. It's by Carl Aagaard called "View to the Amalfi Coast". The section that I have done, though it looks small, is about 7300 stitches. Imagine doing that by hand. Crazy!
7800 as of Apr 1.

Cross stitch

That's right, I'm man enough to use pink. So, pictured to the right is a counted cross stitch that I'm currently working on. I got the pattern online. Since I didn't have supplies (aka thread, loom, patience) I've decided to do it in more of a paint by the numbers, or rather, digital paint by the numbers. So now each pixel (yes, pixel) equals one stitch. I've created a grid with each zig being 10 stitches and each zag being 10 stitches. To give you some idea how big this is going to be when it's done and how far I am from finishing, the portion that is done is 2400 pixels, or stitches. I'll update it as I go along. :)

Ward Talent Show

Wow, what an amazing ward talent show!! So to start it off one guy got up and played the guitar. Dang, I was impressed. He was super good! Then we had some karaoke which was really good, a couple singers, piano players, one guy got up and break-danced, or is it broke-danced?? hmm, anyways, funny group called "being band" got up, they consisted of 4 guys totalling 4 hours of practice, a bass player that has never played before, and a guy on a cowbell singing something I guess. But the amazing thing was that it actually came off really well, another guy with a guitar sang "hey there delilah" and his cousin read laffy taffy jokes after that. The relief society president made whistling sounds with a straw. Like, looking back I guess it was all pretty lame, but we had so much fun, I laughed and clapped the whole time I think. I met the people at my table, Paul, Tammy, Jordan (the laffy taffy guy), and Matt (Hey there delilah). Good people, good fun. My roommate was one of the judges and I guess the top two acts go on to the stake level. :) So there was my night. I wish trax would start working again. I left my house at 7:40 this morning and didn't get to campus until 9:10 or so. That's the second time in the last week. I'm almost sure in an hour and a half that I could have walked the 6 miles to campus, and I wouldn't be so angry, and I'd be in better shape... hmm.. maybe I'll have to look at that for this spring. Oh, and just a shout out for Russell's blog. I don't think he has much on there yet, but everyone check it out cuz it has a cool name. The link is over there -------> or right here.
Alright, how many people clicked on "here"... be honest?? ha ha http://palmertheembalmer.blogspot.com

Pictures of the Homestead

I don't know what the trebuchet font is, but I can't pass it up. So, here are the pictures that I promised. Starting from the top left and working our way down we have: View From Parkinglot facing East (The red arrow indicates one of my TWO bedroom windows) The Complex. View From South Porch. View From Front Door Looking West. Living Room on Main Floor. Bedroom At The Top Of The Stairs. Kitchen. My Closet (15 feet of hanger and shelf space!...I KNOW!) Case of Caffeine Free Mtn. Dew. And A View Of Dressor In Bedroom.

Well there you have it. It's pretty nice. I spent the day vaccuuming and doing laundry today. Turns out I'm just down the street from the Holladay Library. It's nice being able to go in to work for a couple hours on Saturdays now. I mean, It's 2:13 now, and I'm already awake. Not only that but I've put in 2 hours of work, gone to the Library, and vaccuumed and done two loads of laundry.... what's wrong with me!!?? Who is this guy? *looks around nervously* Robert out.

Just got hit by a blog

So I was sitting there thinking to myself, since I'm the funnest to talk to, and I says "You should let other people in on all your private information and reveal yourself to the world" and since I always listen to smart people, I decided I was right. So.. my first blog is going to be a poem that I wrote. It's an indepth look at feelings and relationships and how things perhaps aren't always as they seem. So, without further ado, or any ado really, I'm too poor to buy ado and I just ran out....

Chess

Ah, this game of chess

the board a mess, I start

and place by heart, for heart it is

my king, my rook, my knight

White.

Now, to learn her game

I take my aim, two clicks

the kill is quick, so quick I fall

Oh sacrificial pawn,

Gone.

HA! Attack by knight

one up two right, on course

I build my force, and force my will

a blazing sword to neck

Check.

Dash! Escapes my hold!

the war unfolds, resists

the story twists, a twist of fate

Mate.

Well, there you have it I hope you enjoyed it as I enjoyed it. As for me, I'm in my new place. Been here for about a month now and things are going pretty well. They want me to be on the comittee for extraction in my ward which is cool (little commitment, little responsibility, something to do) so we'll see how and when and if they call me to that. Who knows..? I have my own room, rent is pretty cheap, it's clean. We get a lot of those fire bug things outside, the little red and black beetle looking things. Whatever they are. I guess they have a pretty big problem with those around here. But that's alright. I love living in town, close to work, close to school. I can work saturdays now, and past 4:45 every other day. I don't really have any complaints besides school being a bugger this semester. BUT, I will say that i'm learning some cool things about the history of math, things that a geek would find cool, like how to find the square root of 3 geometrically with a compass and straightedge. Alright, well, there will be blogs every now and then, check in from time to time. :)