Hey readers. It feels like I've got a lot to say today, but nothing is coming out. Life is going well, though I've been really sad lately. It has been an interesting thing, going to therapy and all this last year or so. I've learned so many great things like how to fight anxiety and stress, how to make and stick to a plan for boredom and stressful situations. I've learned to have so many wonderful emotions that for some reason I would never let myself feel before, like excitement - I used to never get excited about anything. Unfortunately, along with these wonderful emotions came emotions at the other end of the spectrum.... and I don't think I was prepared for those ones. For the first time in a long time (if ever) I actually hated someone this year. I've disliked a lot of , people, but I hated someone. I get angry a lot more often now. And I think that it's because I've finally decided that I'm worth it. My feelings are worth protecting, and worth having... good or bad. One of the girls that I hometeach told me that her roomies kicked her out and that she moved into the other quorum's boundaries so I don't get to be her hometeacher any more, and it broke my heart.. and I was angry - angry that she didn't tell me, angry that she didn't ask for my help moving, angry that her roomie didn't tell me ...... but mostly, you know, I felt like a failure. Like my hometeaching wasn't enough and somehow I could have done more, or been more perceptive during our visits to know something was wrong. I just thought our relationship was better than that I guess.
And it reminded me of a time that I missed an appointment with my therapist, just sitting at work and I totally forgot, and I didn't call, and at our next appointment she reamed on me a little bit and said something to the effect of "I just thought our relationship was better than that" and after a while of "why didn't you call" I reminded her that I was just barely learning how to be in relationships with people and it was the first time I think I ever realized that relationships take work. And I'm not talking boyfriend girlfriend married or whatever, but just relating to the people around us. How easy it is to just sit in my own little world and not worry about what happens to other people, thinking I'm just not very good at it. It's just no excuse, because I am good at it. I think we are all good at it. I've noticed a pattern over the course of my life and maybe you all have too in your own lives that people seem to be loyal to me even though I don't put in any effort into the relationship, for some reason people want to be my friend.
And I still can't figure out, to this day, why that would be, and it's not a self esteem issue, so don't comment about that, I know I'm a great guy..... but I don't reciprocate anything to anybody. I don't put in any effort at all into these relationships. I wonder now how different my life would be if I only reciprocated what others gave me. If that's all the effort I put in, not going out of my way to do anything special, but just gave back what they've given me. I can't think of a single relationship in my life that wouldn't have been strengthened by just that..... I have the skills.... I may be awkward and not get it right (if there is a right) the first time, but I am starting to feel more and more that I owe it to people to try. Somebody goes out of their way, out of their comfort zone to say "hi" to me at church, I could at least be friendly. *sigh*
I think that's gonna have to do it for today, I'm just rambling. Oh, and I'm angry that nobody sent me any poems because I know all of you can write poetry ;) :p So, the challenge this week, reciprocate in relationships and send me a poem. Let me know how it goes or if you have any ideas on good ways you have found to reciprocate to people because I'm just learning how to do this and I need help.
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11 comments:
You are worth it and you influence a lot more people than you think. Your presence is of value and people can sense that. Be positive and just try to do your best that really is all that is asked of you that you try. You are a great person, I am grateful for your influence and for the impact you have on me and my family. Thank you.
I always like the stuff you post. It helps me realize the stuff I want to change in my life, and helps me be a better friend do you and others around me, Thanks!
I'll try to do a poem for ya. What was the topic again?
Robert, I enjoyed your post. I enjoy that you are so honest. I have felt so many of those same feelings. I think we tend to hold back or not get involved because relationships are work. We are afraid of investing time and then just being hurt. I will write a poem, I'm not good at writing but I will write one. Give us all a topic and I will see what I can come up with.
Margaret
The topic is "a stronger warrior against satan's wrath"
Quit forcing me to reciprocate and write a poem ;)
setensp
I don't think I can write a better poem than yours for this topic...yours was amazing! I know some of you got the writing gene, but I'm not sure it was passed along to me! :) I'll try, though. When is the deadline?
I love reading your posts as well. You put into words what we are all thinking and feeling. It's wonderful that you are really feeling emotions...I think that is fabulous! And I liked what you said about your feelings are worth protecting or having.
I used to always think that in the scriptures when people would say Thy Will Be Done, it meant that they really didn't care what happened and they were letting the Lord decide and control the direction of their lives. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it doesn't mean that. The people that said that actually DID care what happened, and made a decision and wanted things to be one way. But then there was always the key word - nevertheless. Regardless of the things I wanted, I will do what You want me to do.
Anyway, I'm not exactly sure what that had to do with your post, but I think it kind of had to do with your feelings being important. And our feelings are important to the Lord as well.
Thanks for the update...glad to know that things are well. And that you can feel excited! That's fantastic! You are amazing and an inspiration to me!
Okay, why haven't I read your fantastic poem - and why didn't I know about the contest until after it was over? Am I being discriminated against because I don't facebook? It's a good topic though. It will be fun to see where it goes. Anyway, when I read your post, my first thought was about the need for opposites in our lives - that's why Adam and Eve left the garden of Evil, "it's better for us to know sorrow that we might know the good from the evil" or something like that. If you're able finally to feel real hate then I hope that means you are finally ready to feel real love and know that you are worth loving. Have a good week and thanks for the help on Saturday - we really appreciated it. Love Ya
The poetry contest was mentioned in my August 21st post. And, my poem is disqualified for the contest because everyone knows it's mine, it was meant to get the ball rolling.
Yeah, but it's a really, really good poem! I think we all realized that we couldn't write anything to top it! :) You're awesome!
So, email me the poem.
Wonderful.
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